Relationships (23)
«Over the years, I have been involved in a number of relationships, most of which are ongoing today. This, along with discussions with other people, has given me some insight into what makes relationships work or not work and what is the role of love, friendship, and sex in those relationships.
Two of the biggest killers of relationships are jealousy and lies. Jealousy is particularly difficult because it relates to some sort of survival mechanism in this animal we call human. On the other hand, we seem to be inherently nonmonogamous, or only monogamous for a season (serial monogamy), as in various other species. Even strong religious taboos have not changed that fact.
My solutions to this conflict have been to carefully negotiate a set of ground rules which take into account the jealousy factor and the guilt factor and to tell no lies and have no misleading expectations between those concerned. I have not always scrupulously followed these two rules. They developed over time, and sometimes the short-term gain of bending them has just been too tempting. In the end, however, I have always paid the price.
I try to apply these rules to all my relationships. A screwed-up nonprimary relationship can easily destroy your primary one as well. Lack of clarity invites trouble. It is important to be explicit about expectations before one enters any kind of long-term relationship. It is not good practise to assume that one's understanding of the rules is the same as one's partner. People come from vastly different cultural backgrounds, even within the same ethnic group, religious heritage, and economic class. In general, one has no way of knowing what effect one's partner's upbringing and past relationships have had on their ability to cope with the current situation.
Another big problem with relationships is that people often confuse love, friendship, and sex. These are three independent types of interactions, none of which should automatically imply the others. Having sex with someone does not automatically mean she or he is one's friend, or that one loves him or her, or that sex will happen again in the future. Also, there is no reason why sex should ruin a friendship. Or why one's lover cannot also be one's best friend, as mine is.
Love without sex is a perfectly normal condition. Think of how one feels about one's parents or one's siblings. Many couples who are much in love don't have sex with each other. Sex without love is equally normal, whether or not one's partner is also one's friend. The term "fuck buddies" is sometime used to describe people who have sex together just for the enjoyment of it and understand that there is not necessarily anything more to the relationship.
It is very nice when friends can sleep together without the pressure of sex and the commitment of love. Much can be said for curling up next to a close friend and spending the night cuddling and caressing, with no other expectations. I am lucky enough to have a few friends like that. It shows a great deal of trust in the friend and in the friendship.
A person can be one's friend, one's sex partner, or one's life partner. Or they can be any combination of the three. They are entirely different concepts, with entirely different responsibilities and benefits. Only when people confuse them and think that one implies the another or excludes another, do misunderstandings and rifts follow.»
[Wayne Bryant]
Two of the biggest killers of relationships are jealousy and lies. Jealousy is particularly difficult because it relates to some sort of survival mechanism in this animal we call human. On the other hand, we seem to be inherently nonmonogamous, or only monogamous for a season (serial monogamy), as in various other species. Even strong religious taboos have not changed that fact.
My solutions to this conflict have been to carefully negotiate a set of ground rules which take into account the jealousy factor and the guilt factor and to tell no lies and have no misleading expectations between those concerned. I have not always scrupulously followed these two rules. They developed over time, and sometimes the short-term gain of bending them has just been too tempting. In the end, however, I have always paid the price.
I try to apply these rules to all my relationships. A screwed-up nonprimary relationship can easily destroy your primary one as well. Lack of clarity invites trouble. It is important to be explicit about expectations before one enters any kind of long-term relationship. It is not good practise to assume that one's understanding of the rules is the same as one's partner. People come from vastly different cultural backgrounds, even within the same ethnic group, religious heritage, and economic class. In general, one has no way of knowing what effect one's partner's upbringing and past relationships have had on their ability to cope with the current situation.
Another big problem with relationships is that people often confuse love, friendship, and sex. These are three independent types of interactions, none of which should automatically imply the others. Having sex with someone does not automatically mean she or he is one's friend, or that one loves him or her, or that sex will happen again in the future. Also, there is no reason why sex should ruin a friendship. Or why one's lover cannot also be one's best friend, as mine is.
Love without sex is a perfectly normal condition. Think of how one feels about one's parents or one's siblings. Many couples who are much in love don't have sex with each other. Sex without love is equally normal, whether or not one's partner is also one's friend. The term "fuck buddies" is sometime used to describe people who have sex together just for the enjoyment of it and understand that there is not necessarily anything more to the relationship.
It is very nice when friends can sleep together without the pressure of sex and the commitment of love. Much can be said for curling up next to a close friend and spending the night cuddling and caressing, with no other expectations. I am lucky enough to have a few friends like that. It shows a great deal of trust in the friend and in the friendship.
A person can be one's friend, one's sex partner, or one's life partner. Or they can be any combination of the three. They are entirely different concepts, with entirely different responsibilities and benefits. Only when people confuse them and think that one implies the another or excludes another, do misunderstandings and rifts follow.»
[Wayne Bryant]
posted by T. M. at
9:56 da manhã
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